Let Go and Haul: being a helpful woman at work
Week 10, 2018 – Manhattan
Journey: where we’re at
This week I got back from some exciting investor meetings in LA (and was once again reminded of how quickly people get what we’re doing out there). This is a gross generalization, but helpful to my brain so I’m sharing with you too: New York investors: dollars and cents; LA investors: emotion and entertainment; SF investors: tech big picture. Now that I’ve figured this out I switch up the pitch (including an extra slide that speaks to each) depending on who I’m talking to (which is easy, cuz we’ve got all three).
We’re into our home stretch month at Visioncamp and are looking for new office space for 2-4 people. If you know of anything cool in NYC (cheap is good), let me know.
Journal: what I learned
Yesterday I met up with my friend and old colleague from Drip, Lauren. My favorite thing about Lauren is that she takes her work seriously and she's silly af. Whenever things got tense at Drip, Lauren was always the one to make the atmosphere light again. She would regularly show up at 10am standup like “guys I bought this T-shirt at Goodwill this morning on my way in because I ran out of clean laundry” and have us all with our morning coffees up our noses from laughter. (If you've seen me before coffee you'll know this is not an easy task...) It me:
It’s a skill I took a huge lesson from, (especially as someone who frequently gets feedback that I’m “intense”). Allowing myself to take my silly side to work too is just as important. A team that doesn’t laugh together doesn’t stay together. And, it’s just not fun! It’s possible to be intense and driven and focused and be silly and weird and jovial. My friends know I have the capacity to be ridiculous to the point of embarrassing (sorry British people) when I'm off duty, or as I’ve been told many times, “down for whatever”. For a long time I was scared to mix the two for fear that being silly would mean that I would be less respected. Ah, that power in vulnerability thing. Let go and…
Lauren and I talked about helping men. We’ve both received feedback that if you want to rise up, you need to “stop being so helpful” around the office. The first time I got this feedback I was running design at Last.fm shortly after we'd been acquired by CBS and I was having my first brush with the corporate world. But of course I want to help I thought, I’m invested! I want to show I care. Surprise! Women that pick up all the tasks that need to be done a) don’t get recognition for them b) don’t get paid for them c) and devalue themselves when trying to move into some kind of boss-level role. If you want to make the jump through the glass ceiling, you have to stop doing some of the things that got you this far – like being incredibly helpful – and start making people value your time. It’s a headfuck, because if care about people, you naturally want to help them, but if you do it too often, people start expecting it, and then you’re holding yourself back. Of course, layer on the whole issue of gender in assistive roles (secretary, EA, project manager, nurse etc.) combined with how (unfortunately) many people view their mothers, and it’s a heavy issue. So: how do you walk the razor thin line of being still being a helpful caring person while not devaluing yourself?
You let them come to you.
When men ask you for help, you are in the position of power. You're also in a position to offer it in a way that it can be received with recognition. Here's an example: this week a CEO of a video company reached out to me for help with recruiting. I met him for coffee, and within the first 5 minutes of small talk, said "how can I help?" He started talking about his problems, I was able to offer solicited advice, and by the end of the meeting he was saying, please let me know how I can help you too! I'd love to introduce you to some investors. (Great!) Of course, it's a little different in an office environment, and sometimes you need to guide the conversation with "would you like help with this?", but getting that "yes" from your male colleague first means you have just established that your help is not free or expected, and that you are valuable.
Jams: what I’m into
Loving these fashion-inspired pattern paintings by Andy Dixon via my art-hunter friend Duery (his Instagram is all his art gallery trips). Highly recommend!
The works Duery posted by Devan Shimoyama are also fire.
This Basenji bootleg of Hudson Mohawke